So...blogging now. Yeah...
I'm 29 years old. I.Am.29.Years.Old. Iam29yearsold. I...am...29...years...old.
And I feel like I'm further back behind the starting line than ever.
Don't most people who are:
A woman.
A follower of Christ.
Black.
A mother.
A wife.
A daughter.
A college graduate.
An employee of some place.
A homeowner.
A consumer with excellent credit.
A resident of Northeast Atlanta.
....have SOME idea of what the f*%k they want to do in life? Or SHOULD do in life?
I know that sounds crass. Forgive me. If you knew how long I'd thought about, prayed about, ruminated about, obsessed about, ranted about, and just plain lost my frickin' MIND over that question, you'd probably understand my frustration.
I know, I know- there are basics. Spread the gospel. Live quietly and work with your hands. Take up your cross daily. Find your passion. Live adventurously and take risks. If I hear one more GOTdang motivational speaker/inspirational poster-board worthy expression about how to live your life, I will burn someone's house down. Oh, of course some of them are Biblical. (Ugh, that word. Bib-lic-al. Sounds like a jail sentence without meaning to.) I believe in basing your life on what the Word of God says you should: Jesus and everything else written down in His book.
BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR ME??? FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? Like, specifically.
Did I mention that I'm kind of a coward and that if Jesus came down today, like TO-DAY, and said to me, "Sharon, I want you to do X for the rest of your life in this way and in that order by this timeline." I'd probably piss myself with fear and worry, fade away, and die. See, I'm a believer. I believe Christ is everything and can equip me to do everything and anything He wants me to. It's not HIM I don't trust, it's me. I don't trust me to trust Him. Complicated? (In my best Sarah Palin spoof voice.) You betcha! Oh, and because I think that way, I secretly wonder if I'm really saved at all because my faith hasn't allowed me to overcome my fear that hinders me from obedience and it says the cowardly won't inherit the Kingdom. Did I ALSO mention that I seem to have a knack for inventing reasons to think I'm going to Hell despite the fact that I intellectually (And sometimes emotionally, I guess?) assent to the fact that I need Jesus to draw me/convict me/allow me to repent/forgive me of my sins/impute His righteousness/sanctify me and that when I asked Him to He did? That is, unless I was just on some spiritual high and THOUGHT I did (repeatedly), but then I don't really see any of the fruit of that decision lately because I'm not caring/doing enough or...something for my neighbor because I'm an American and I'm too lazy and comfortable in my American church so despite the fact that I tithe, try to be kind to others, try to want to be in the presence of God or at least pray for the desire to do so and......
YEAH.
Welcome to my blog! :-D
Flailing Woman Under God.
