So...blogging now. Yeah...
I'm 29 years old. I.Am.29.Years.Old. Iam29yearsold. I...am...29...years...old.
And I feel like I'm further back behind the starting line than ever.
Don't most people who are:
A woman.
A follower of Christ.
Black.
A mother.
A wife.
A daughter.
A college graduate.
An employee of some place.
A homeowner.
A consumer with excellent credit.
A resident of Northeast Atlanta.
....have SOME idea of what the f*%k they want to do in life? Or SHOULD do in life?
I know that sounds crass. Forgive me. If you knew how long I'd thought about, prayed about, ruminated about, obsessed about, ranted about, and just plain lost my frickin' MIND over that question, you'd probably understand my frustration.
I know, I know- there are basics. Spread the gospel. Live quietly and work with your hands. Take up your cross daily. Find your passion. Live adventurously and take risks. If I hear one more GOTdang motivational speaker/inspirational poster-board worthy expression about how to live your life, I will burn someone's house down. Oh, of course some of them are Biblical. (Ugh, that word. Bib-lic-al. Sounds like a jail sentence without meaning to.) I believe in basing your life on what the Word of God says you should: Jesus and everything else written down in His book.
BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR ME??? FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? Like, specifically.
Did I mention that I'm kind of a coward and that if Jesus came down today, like TO-DAY, and said to me, "Sharon, I want you to do X for the rest of your life in this way and in that order by this timeline." I'd probably piss myself with fear and worry, fade away, and die. See, I'm a believer. I believe Christ is everything and can equip me to do everything and anything He wants me to. It's not HIM I don't trust, it's me. I don't trust me to trust Him. Complicated? (In my best Sarah Palin spoof voice.) You betcha! Oh, and because I think that way, I secretly wonder if I'm really saved at all because my faith hasn't allowed me to overcome my fear that hinders me from obedience and it says the cowardly won't inherit the Kingdom. Did I ALSO mention that I seem to have a knack for inventing reasons to think I'm going to Hell despite the fact that I intellectually (And sometimes emotionally, I guess?) assent to the fact that I need Jesus to draw me/convict me/allow me to repent/forgive me of my sins/impute His righteousness/sanctify me and that when I asked Him to He did? That is, unless I was just on some spiritual high and THOUGHT I did (repeatedly), but then I don't really see any of the fruit of that decision lately because I'm not caring/doing enough or...something for my neighbor because I'm an American and I'm too lazy and comfortable in my American church so despite the fact that I tithe, try to be kind to others, try to want to be in the presence of God or at least pray for the desire to do so and......
YEAH.
Welcome to my blog! :-D
Flailing Woman Under God.
Hey Sharon!
ReplyDeleteSo, my husband just left with all three of my kids, and i have a quiet house to myself. I should be doing dishes or cleanign up after dinner, but no, I am hear, looking at your blog, since you just looked at mine.
You are so not alone in how you feel. I like blogs like yours. Writers who are real, and raw and just writing whatever is on their heart.
I have been in the same boat as you so many times. SO many times.
God loves it when we are honest. When we just say it. When we question and process and freak out and feel like we are having the biggest WTF moment, because he knows that we are going to come running back to him and get through it. At least I feel like that. Even if we are still left with out answers. We have hope. And that is what anchors us right? Just living in the here and now. Looking for what my job is today. "Be Jesus with skin on" my sister says. Love everyone. Love on your kids. Love on your husband. Love on your family and your friends. One day at a time sister.
I'm flailing right along with you these days.
Sierra
Ohmygosh, THANK YOU!!
DeleteYou know, it's funny- I wrote this one day out of a sheer moment of "GEEZ, I need to get these thoughts out of my head! And I can't afford therapy." LOL My hubs kept telling me I need to write and so I did this one evening when I was just about to crack. I didn't think ANYONE would ever bother reading it.
Thank you for reading it. THANK YOU. And thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this scary, flailing thought process. I can't BEGIN to tell you how encouraging you are. I actually read your reply on the way back from our vacation (What?! I actually got to GO somewhere?! lol) and it was like God was saying "This is a new start! And look- you have someone else to share their wisdom with you because I've been there for her when she was going through it too." I almost cried with relief. :-)
I'm going to try to keep this up. I LOVE reading your blog btw. I ended up with a hubby and two boys and for the LIFE of me I can't figure out how, but like you said, God seems to trust us with what He's given us.
Thank you again!! ::Cyber hug::
You better keep it up! Can't wait to read your next post! I'm off with my husband on a little vacation this week! Where did you guys go? I can barely stand to wait for the next day and a half to pass. The kids just about drove us nuts today. We just keep glancing at each other with the "only a couple more days" look.
ReplyDeleteTake care. You're going to make it!!!
SIerra